If you’re anything like me, you have embraced totally your depravity. I had to come to a place that I stopped trying to be perfect. I had to absorb the full meaning of the imputation of Christ’s righteousness unto me; because of Christ’s work on the cross, I am already, and always counted as, being righteous. Without this imputation, I am hopelessly evil.
Yet God calls us away from being entangled again with the bondage of our past. He calls us to a new and far superior way of thinking and living. Adapting to this new world view is often very difficult, no matter how much pain the old life has caused us. The pleasure of it always seems to encourage us to leave a shoe, a finger, a foot or something, anything in the door so that it doesn’t completely die.
I’ve had to mourn the expectation of Fatherhood from my father. I had to admit that it hurt me deeply and made me feel abandoned and unworthy of love from any. I had to cry and admit that my father chose not to be more involved in my life. Until I totally let go of the expectation of being fathered, I remained open to the drive and desire to replace my father with…
My addiction cost me so much pain, but at one point it was the love of my life. I only felt alive and excited while engaged in the dance with this addiction. My addiction, as with most, gave me great pleasure and stimuli; so it’s very temping to leave a door open or to re-open a once-closed door hoping for the pleasure without the pain.
The reality is, the truth is, the thing I have to remind myself of always is this. “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”
Now it’s really humbling and embarrassing to admit that my addiction meant the most to me. None of us wants to admit that the old life was desirable in any way, which always makes me laugh. It just wouldn’t be much of an addiction if it didn’t have that type of power, would it? Ah Yes! But equally true is this: the promises of addiction are never fulfilled. Addiction only knows the languages of lies, lust and deceit. For so long I embraced it with fierce determination that no one would take it away. Rules, preaching and tongues did nothing to separate me from the love of my addiction.
I simply found a greater love, a true and kind love that seeks not to hurt me. My eyes were opened and I was able to see the lavishness of the mansion I was invited to, in contrast to the Hell’s hotel which I currently occupied. Now I return the embrace, fully and fiercely, of the love that loved me first, the one that loves me best. Every now and again when I forget why I am free, He whispers, I love you.